It’s a revolution, I suppose. We’re painted red to fit right in....

So I’ve become one of those people I hate. You know the “I-go-to-the-gym-12-days-a-week” people. Yeah, them, THOSE PEOPLE. Alright, I’m trying to be one of those people. To be fair, I joined the gym last Monday and I’ve gone 7 out of 10 days so far. I was there twice on Monday. Once for a personal training session with who I will now refer to is The Evil Hottie. And we didn’t work too hard, but it was brutal enough because I was doing things I didn’t think I could. Also, fuck squats. I know, I cursed there but it had to be said.

My thighs hurt. My ankles hurt. My butt hurts.

I better get skinny less Fat.

Though, I’m not going to get skinnier eating Pizza and Pei Wei. Why is pizza and Chinese food so delicious?

Also, I have a confession to make… I think I may like going to the gym. And not just because people are good looking and I enjoy watching guys work their arms and back. No, I enjoy having the place to be. I enjoy the feeling after, like I’ve done something. It’s not been that long and sure, most days I try and think of reasons why I shouldn’t go, and most of the time, I ignore said reasons and go anyway… But, its something I’m doing. Not because my grandma is asking me how I could enjoy looking the way I do, or because that kid asked their mom for the 19th million time if I’m fat because there’s a baby in me. It’s not because I want a boyfriend to find me attractive… it’s just because…I can? Or perhaps its all of those reasons. Perhaps its really because my sister is losing weight, and you know sibling rivalry.

My first assessment at the gym was a less than pleasant experience. The guy was lacking in the “bedside’ manner" and he actually made me feel bad about myself. I never responded well to shaming, so he’s really barking up the wrong creek on that one. He seemed relatively pissed off that when he asked why I decided to work out I answered plainly, “I want to buy cuter clothes.”

No, I didn’t say my health, because that’s secondary. I get it, it’s important to some people and you know I would love to live 80 million years, but I also recognize that life is short. And if you’re spending your whole life worrying about stupid things, it passes you and you’re dead. I don’t want life to pass me because I was to hyper active about my weight. It’s important to be healthy, but its also important to love yourself. And you know, we all struggle from time to time with our own egos, but why would you want to make someone who doesn’t feel bad about themselves feel bad about themselves? What does that do?

But seriously, don’t tell anyone that I like going to the gym.

Out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

I haven’t written in a bit because I felt like I was failing in my attempts to drop weight. I lost some, gained it all back, lost some, gained some back. I felt like I was doing things wrong. I think my body is finally catching up with what I’m trying to do because I’ve be steadily dropping a bit of weight each day as the week progresses. I know I’m not supposed to weigh myself daily but to be honest; I’ve become fixated on it. I need to know so I can make adjustments or figure out what exactly I am doing wrong.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest things I’ve committed to doing in a long time. And most of the time I just want to eat a massive cheeseburger because I can, knowing how deliciously bad for me it is. That’s where I seem to be focusing on… the things I can’t have or shouldn’t have daily rather than the things I can.

Each week I seemed to focus on a target. The first week I was trying to get the hang of what I normally eat and how and when. The second week was decreasing the bad, and adding more fruits and veggies and the third week was about trying to regulate the fiber intake I had. And this last week has been really about making responsible choices. Yes, I would like Jimmy John’s every day. Yes, I do want Culvers, and a milk shake too while we’re at it. But I also realize I don’t feel so hot after I eat these things (mostly just the culvers!) That’s something I always ignored, the signs my own body was telling me.

I guess that’s really the point. We need to listen to what our bodies are telling us when we wolf down that cheeseburger and onion rings. Sure our taste buds are rejoicing, but then the fall afterwards, is it really worth it? Sometimes. Like when I’m PMSing and all I want is salt, melted cheese and chocolate (not together… well…. Some of them together.) I guess I’m just feeling more positive right now because I’m down more weight.

I don’t want this to be another failed experiment in my life. And I know I have a bunch of people backing me, so that feels good. I think the other major difference is that I am confident in who I am more so than I have been in a long while. I stand a little taller, smile a lot more and I just, I’ve really attempted to stop caring what people think about me. I know who I am; I think I am beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, creative, daring, fat, curious, extroverted, and intuitive and a decent human being. And what I look like is only a small fraction of what I am capable of.

I feel like I literally just stood in the mirror ranting “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.”

But honestly, 2 months ago you couldn’t convince me to post a full body picture of myself, even a slightly full bodied picture of myself on my Facebook account, who cares if 99% of the people on that site knew me in person or were my family. I wouldn’t do it. I felt shame. I feel gross. I don’t know if its weight loss or if people are noticing that I’m more confident. I like to think it’s the confidence, because that’s really something I needed. I’ve always has some confidence, but I think I’ve found the other I was shamed into thinking was bad.

I’m down 8lbs as of today since starting. It feels like nothing, I do not even notice a difference and it has been such a roller coaster. However, I can say that I am down. And I don’t even weigh in until Wednesday so I hope to be down a bit more by then. It’s been a month since I’ve started this program and if I can lose 8+ pounds a month, it will all be worth it. Because at the end of the year I will be 100lbs lighter than I am now and that’s something. It’s not where I want to be. It’s not my goal, but it is definitely something.

So if the answer is no, can I change your mind?

Here is what I’ve learned from my first week on the weight watchers program:

1. I need to plan better meals

2. I need to eat more fruits and veggies

3. I have eaten a lot of bananas.

4. I hate eating breakfast so a meal replacement shake is working the best for me.

5. I can’t have chocolate kisses every day.

6. I need to get rid of the snack foods, stat.

7. I need to move more.

8. I need to sleep more.

Today was my first official weigh- in since I started a week ago, and I’ve only lost 2.4 pounds. I know that it is good that I’m losing but I have to admit I was a little upset that it wasn’t more. I find that I am constantly feeling hungry so I wonder if I’m eating the right foods that fill me up. I try to employ the whole, "drink more water approach, but then I just end up feeling overly water logged."

I definitely need to find a balance. It helps that the ladies in my office have taken a better more healthy approach to lunch because that eliminates wanting to break from the path and eat a burger or something take out. I’ve for the most part had lunch to take to work each day with the exception of the incident where someone stole my lunch. But all in all I’ve been actively trying to plan better.

My goal for next week is to lose at least 5lbs so I know I’m going to have to work a little harder. I thought I was going to have my boss to work out with me after work some days but it appears that our schedules are not meshing as I would have hoped, but I definitely need to still keep myself accountable and work out even if I’m tired, such as the case of Monday, where I was supposed to, but decided to sleep instead

That being said I’ve introduced melatonin into my nightly ritual and started my first attempt last night. I went to bed around I took the pill around 10PM and started feeling the effects around 10:30, but didn’t actually get into bed until around 11PM. I did what was suggested and turned my phone upside down and ignored any texts and or calls and fell asleep, but woke multiple times through the night and then finally woke up around 4:45 and was unable to go back to sleep. So I just lay in bed until it was time to get up. In retrospect I probably should have gotten up and maybe exercised but it felt good to just lay there too.

I’ve managed to eat breakfast for 5 out of 7 days of the week so I just really need to incorporate more veggies and fruits. I think I’m 4 carrots away from being a rabbit though.

50 ways to say goodbye

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. I ate dinner, was mostly out of points and then fell asleep around 9 only to wake up again around 12AM. I then proceeded to eat more leftover chicken enchiladas. Way more than I should have so I started today with almost half the points I usually have. And because of that I decided to work a little harder than I normally do when it comes to activity. So I rode the bike at a fast pace for 20 minutes and then did various other stretches and exercises including jogging in place and leg lifts. Then I showered and headed over to Costco where I pushed around a cart with 3 cases of water in it all around the store. I literally went up and down each isle until I had walked for 40 minutes. So all in all about an hour of work put in today not including the normal up and down the stairs bit.

If I eat around 6:30-7pm I find myself hungry again around 10PM. The only problem I have is that if I fall asleep before 10, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night so I try to keep myself awake until around 11PM before I even think about heading to bed. I need to find some snacks at night that are low points to eat… because all I ever want are this high point peanut butter filled pretzels or my mint kisses and while some are good, I need something else. Anyone else have any suggestions?

I weighed myself today, down 4.4 lbs since I started… But who knows what that means. My official weigh in date for the program is Wednesday, let’s see how much more I can get off.

Everybody Talks (Day 1) (Sort of)

So I attempted this a year ago and after 3 weeks it fell by the wayside. I can’t really tell you why other than I got lazy and I wasn’t dedicated. Honestly, I don’t know if I am dedicated even now, but I know its something I want. How much I want it I am not really sure. Perhaps that’s a bad outlook, or perhaps I’m focusing on just being happy. I joined Weight Watcher’s at the request of a Great Aunt. Well, not so much as a request as an idea. I can do it and perhaps I’ll be more likely to stick to it at least for 3 months since money is being used. I need some sort of motivational factor, perhaps money will be it. Again, it’s not a new year’s resolution, just an idea, a change. Another thing to control in my life. And this time I’m a bag short. I don’t have anyone to blame but myself if things don’t work out. My Goals are simple.

Goals:

1. Get a routine.

a. Eat breakfast daily

b. Get some sort of activity in (walking, biking etc)

c. Do homework (daily, not last minute)

d. Clean up more (quit being a slob!)

2. Write more (Daily!)

3. Think Bigger (Stop being so selfish!)

4. Lose Weight (You’re cute either way)

5. Smile. (Do it!)

So, I started today with a 24oz Pepsi, 21 Cheetos, 25 Cheez-Its, a chocolate granola thing, and then pizza and cake. It wasn’t an ideal day, but it was a day where I was going to show my bad habits. My intentions are to really buckle down Sunday, but in the mean time I did go to the store and buy some food options that are not crap. Starting with breakfast and lunch and I’ll be making Chicken Enchilada’s tomorrow. And eventually I hope to really know how to cook the right things and eat better things. It’s really difficult when you enjoy sleep a lot and you’re constantly out of the house during the work week. So, here I am giving this another go.

So here are 2 recent photos.

Let's see if we can see a difference in two weeks, a month, 1.5 months, 2 Months, 2.5 Months and 3 months.

Also, I rode the bike for 15 minutes and plan to increase it with each week by 5 minutes. In the mean time, 15 minutes is where I'm at.

The Sound of Silence

I haven’t really been exercising when it comes to riding the bike every other day, but I have been taking the long routes to places and walking more than I usually would so that counts for something. The reality is, I could beat myself up in this post and talk about what a failure I am because I had not eaten just when hungry and on multiple occasions ate just because.

But the reality is, I’ve sort of trained my brain to pick better snack options for those times when I do start mindless eating. The part is, when I do eat, the choices I make on types of food to consume are much better. I’m not eating the McDonald's cheeseburgers or hitting up a fast food place. I’m eating lower fats, lower calorie items. And that’s part of the battle.

In 1.5 weeks since I lapsed off the strict diet and exercise routine I’ve gained .06 pounds. It’s not a whole lot, but it’s enough to get me running again.

I’ve noticed that when I was exercising I was actually less tired throughout the day and more ready to go to bed earlier in the evening. Now, I’ve spent a bit of time trying to sleep more, which is why I’m not getting up early enough to exercise. I’ve started letting my life’s stresses push back on me and I’ve allowed it.

I need to constantly remind myself to push back.

It Will Rain

Being able to learn how to have a different relationship with food has taken me looking into myself and finding out all of the psychological things that cause me to tick to find my triggers and emotional upsets. Doing this alone has been an incredible journey for me that I’d say I haven’t even made it 1/4th of the way through.

I keep another blog where I was able to write all sorts of Dear Diary entries where I for the most part have been expressing my inner thoughts and feelings. I did this as a therapeutic way for me to vent my frustrations rather than harbor them inside where they eventually turn into miss placed rage. I’ve come a long way from the first entry to the last and have grown not only as a person emotionally but as a writer as well. The Writing on The Wall blog has enabled me to start this new journey because I’ve peeled back layers of anger and now want to shed the pounds that I’ve been carrying around.

I’m writing about emotions today because it seems to be a topic for the day, having my own emotional cave when I felt I was in a confrontational situation and talking things out with my aunt about my life and the things I remember. It’s interesting the type of covering up your brain does with traumatic experiences. It amazes me that your brain has the ability to cover the tracks and hide things in the deepest recesses of your mind so that you don’t relive the experience. And then how the subconscious mind is able to uses these things as fuel to feed the emotional eater.

It’s very frustrating for me to know that there are things I cannot change and yet I allow myself to be extremely upset and hurt by these things. I suppose this really is all emerging because I talked to my mother the other day. Every so often I find the need to reach out and talk to her. I still believe there can be a change because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but then I realize that there is no re-do for my childhood.

And I understand we cannot have the relationship I would like and we will never be able to have that relationship that I see so many of my friends and family have with their mothers. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it frustrates me that I still cannot find a way to let go this anger and incredible amounts of pain that I have because I feel like I’m on an island if misfit toys. It’s like every day I mourn the loss of a mother I will never have. And it frustrates me so much that I have the understanding, but not the capability to find the power to let it go. I tell myself to just let it go and stop carrying around this baggage. I try to tell myself that I'm okay and it will be okay.

And that’s the point of the change in my life too, to finally lose the baggage I’ve carried from house to house, town to town and state to state.

And with these emotional peels it has been an incredibly hard week for me.

I am seriously considering auditioning for the biggest loser’s next season. I’d love to have my life changed the way the people on there are, but I’m also not a fan of the clothes they make you wear on National Television. It’s a toss.

So this is my confession:

The last two days have not been my best caloric intake days. I didn’t exercise either – I’ve been tired physically and emotionally. I know that I can’t let these two days end the hard work I’ve been putting in, if only for a week or so, I’ve got to push forward.

It’s easy to derail from this change, but it’s important to get back on track and keep moving because eventually this will become a habit and no longer a chore.

Eventually I hope I can open up and find myself more than 1/4th of the way through my journey to an emotionally and physically healthy person.