Detroit

Day 2:
12:30 PM

Well, this morning I woke up slightly sore. So I thought I would talk about how I hate being in pain. I have the lowest pain threshold of anyone I know… But I can get tattooed repeatedly (figure that one out.) The thought of being in pain, really bothers me, I am not excited for that one. So anyone know how to NOT be in pain?

I posted the blog last night and got a few great responses and cheers. If I’m being honest, I cried a little. Not like sobbing tears, but more the rolling down the cheek, no-I-just-go-something-in-my-eye kind. And I blinked them away. Bottom line, I refuse to feel sorry for myself, what does that do anyway? Except make me want to eat ice cream and watch Grey’s Anatomy re-runs, specifically Season 2.

So I'm trying to look at this fitness thing more as an adventure, maybe in a couple months I can do a marathon (Not likely, I hate running!) Listen, I have big boobs. Running and I just don’t get along. I’m afraid I might injure myself terribly. And if I lose ANYTHING I hope it’s not my boobs. I could stand for some arm fat to disappear, and that stomach roll I’ve seem to develop…roll, who am I kidding it’s a keg. But more so, not focus on how much it sucks, but actively train my brain to get pumped the way I see so many people do (I think you guys are crazy!) I read somewhere about people drinking shakes, when they "knew" it was full fat they appeared more fuller and satisfied, when they thought it was "low fat" and healthy, they were less satisfied. I've got to look at that salad and think about it like it was a Culver's burger.

Mmm Burger.

I feel like thinking about that made me put on weight.

In any event, I was going to go about my day and ignore the fact that I rode the bike last night but then I remembered I had to shower. Don’t get me wrong, I love smelling clean, but I hate showering after I’ve already showered. So I don’t think I will be the work out in the middle of the day girl, Because then I’d have to shower again. Hey, whatever motivates me right?

What’s the point of telling you my hygiene habits? Basically I decided that I was going to start the work out now, right after waking up, before I showered. So that will apparently be my thing, start now. Don’t push it off until later. This means I may have to wake up earlier and I’m not completely sure how I feel about that.

Here are two things I noticed:
1. After 3 minutes, I was ready to quit.
2. I have a lot of depressing songs on my Iphone, that’s got to stop.
3. I like working out so much better when my boyfriend isn’t standing on the sidelines cheering me on and trying to turn the TV on for me. Bless his heart,but go away, this is personal.

So, the following are songs that motivated me during the work out:
1. Paramore – Hallelujah: This song specifically got me just from “This time we’re not giving up”
2. Black Gold – Detroit: “sympathies go round and round, a handful helps it all go down…”
3. Jordin Sparks – Battlefeild: “I never meant to start a war”

Time Spent: 16 Minutes
Activity: Biking
Distance: 3 Miles
Next Goal: 20 Minutes, 4 Miles
Long Term: Maintain 30 minute work out - No Distance goal yet.
Goal Date: January 10th

Oh, by the way. My legs hurt.

Starting Now...

Day 1:
3:27 AM
December 30, 2011

Here are the facts:

I'm a 26-year-old girl who is majorly obese, and I hate that word, because I feel like it’s like calling a girl a cunt, it’s a bit twisted.

In any event, I've been fat for most of my life and all through my teenage years. And currently, I’m the fattest person in my family, considerably fatter.

Being fat never seemed to bother me much but psychologically it was my a cushion against the abrupt life that I lived in. My mother had alcohol drug and psychological issues and because of this there was a constant change in my daily life, I lacked structure. Food and writing seemed to always be a constant in my life, a sort of teddy bear if you will. When words couldn’t comfort me, a piece or a bar of chocolate might.

I will say this, something I never fell short on was a sort of confidence in me. I’ve always made it a goal to never let my weight define me, it was just part of who I was, but it wasn’t what I was. It wasn’t the person I was and I was confident in the type of person I was towards people. Funny, fun, sarcastic, witty and always one to lend a hand.

Because of this, I always felt like I had to start hating myself if I was ever going to make changes in my weight, because other people always wanted me to do it. And they would be sure to tell me about it or make the suggestion.

Mostly, I never wanted to be bullied into losing weight by anyone, including the media and views pressed by society. My grandmother was a major player in this game, and soon also my sister who appeared to take her insecurities out on me. As a stubborn person, I don’t respond well to demands or personal attacks. “Don’t you want to be thin?” and “How can you stand yourself the way you look?” never really worked for me. My answer was no.

Simple: I didn’t see myself the way others saw me. When I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t a plus sized person. I was just a person.

Like any teenage girl, I had insecurities, mostly because the two people I hung out with the most were so beautiful that I was always the “hey, see if your friend will go out with me” girl. They never treated me any differently and they both gave me confidence in being me. But, I wanted to be the girl to date. So I found refuge in the online world because online people could get to know me without seeing my exterior.

Here you’re thinking, "but wait? I thought you were confident?" I was, but as I said, I had the same insecurities as everyone else. I still wanted to feel loved and my biggest problem seemed to be getting people to see me the way I saw myself.

And again, nothing has ever hurt me enough to really push me into making a change because I frankly didn’t fear death so health was a non issue. I wasn't one of those people who had their doctor give them a wake up call. "Do you want to be dead by the time you're 35?" It didn't bother me then, and it doesn't bother me now. And also, if someone couldn’t like me at 300lbs, then I wouldn’t want to be around them when I was smaller. Because to me, truly it's what is inside that matters most that and a great smile.

So why change now? What’s the difference? Why start now?

I've lost my confidence. I find myself hiding in classrooms attempting to blend in, walking behind. Not raising my hand as to not draw attention. Refusing to participate in discussions. Unwilling to leave the house or car.

The cause? Children.

Children pointing out how big I was. Children hurt me more than any boy in school or family member. Children I didn't even KNOW at that. I don't want to be pointed and stared at. Children usually aren't bullies. Children are just blunt. They point out things they don't understand. And apparently, I was something they couldn't understand. How did it come to this? How come "Fatty Fatty Two-by-four, can't fit through the kitchen door" never phased me in elementary school. And "I didn't know they made prom dresses for cows" didn't crush me enough in High school? No, unknown children and their (mostly) innocent/albeit misguided comments was the push that made the dominoes fall.

It has caused me to collapse inside of myself. I started to become bitter and no longer wanted to be in public. I still functioned day to day, but I started doing less and not participating in things I enjoyed. This isn't the person I was as a teenager, and it sure as hell isn't the person I want to be now or ever.

Sadly, what I lack is motivation to make changes in my life. To forget the cynical and jaded side and just do it because I can, to challenge myself. Not because I want to be skinnier, not because I want to be healthy. But because losing weight is something I can attempt to control. It’s something I can actively change, in a world where my whole life seems to be so far out of my hands. This, I can change, and if I can't, at least I gave it a valid attempt.

I’ve also been thinking about this a bit, since my family decided we were going to do a Biggest Loser of sorts, and all pitch in money. Whoever wins, takes the prize. I’m not usually competitive when it comes to weight loss games, because I hate the idea of meetings, and support groups. I hate challenges of the sorts that friends have suggested. I don’t want to be your buddy…I do however, want more money.

Sorry, your support group isn't going to pay for my education. And it certainly wont buy me books! But money on the other hand, money can buy me that or a plane ticket back to Arizona to visit family and friends(And all of their kids they've been having in my absence!)

So, now that I’ve quit my job in hell, I have 2 weeks to really take the time to get going before school and my work study start. I spent a week being lazy and tonight, I’ve started it.

I’m trying to remember to celebrate the little victories.

Tonight’s little victory was doing 2 miles on a bike in 11 minutes. It may seem like nothing, but it’s a whole lot more than I usually do. You have to start somewhere.

Starting Stats:
Shirt Size: 5x
Pant Size: 38
End Goal: 26/28 Pant size, 2x shirt size (maybe even smaller!)

Time Spent: 11 Minutes
Activity: Biking
Distance: 2 Miles
Next Goal: 15 Minutes, 3 Miles
Long Term: Maintain 30 minute work out - No Distance goal yet.
Goal Date: January 10th