The Sound of Silence

I haven’t really been exercising when it comes to riding the bike every other day, but I have been taking the long routes to places and walking more than I usually would so that counts for something. The reality is, I could beat myself up in this post and talk about what a failure I am because I had not eaten just when hungry and on multiple occasions ate just because.

But the reality is, I’ve sort of trained my brain to pick better snack options for those times when I do start mindless eating. The part is, when I do eat, the choices I make on types of food to consume are much better. I’m not eating the McDonald's cheeseburgers or hitting up a fast food place. I’m eating lower fats, lower calorie items. And that’s part of the battle.

In 1.5 weeks since I lapsed off the strict diet and exercise routine I’ve gained .06 pounds. It’s not a whole lot, but it’s enough to get me running again.

I’ve noticed that when I was exercising I was actually less tired throughout the day and more ready to go to bed earlier in the evening. Now, I’ve spent a bit of time trying to sleep more, which is why I’m not getting up early enough to exercise. I’ve started letting my life’s stresses push back on me and I’ve allowed it.

I need to constantly remind myself to push back.

It Will Rain

Being able to learn how to have a different relationship with food has taken me looking into myself and finding out all of the psychological things that cause me to tick to find my triggers and emotional upsets. Doing this alone has been an incredible journey for me that I’d say I haven’t even made it 1/4th of the way through.

I keep another blog where I was able to write all sorts of Dear Diary entries where I for the most part have been expressing my inner thoughts and feelings. I did this as a therapeutic way for me to vent my frustrations rather than harbor them inside where they eventually turn into miss placed rage. I’ve come a long way from the first entry to the last and have grown not only as a person emotionally but as a writer as well. The Writing on The Wall blog has enabled me to start this new journey because I’ve peeled back layers of anger and now want to shed the pounds that I’ve been carrying around.

I’m writing about emotions today because it seems to be a topic for the day, having my own emotional cave when I felt I was in a confrontational situation and talking things out with my aunt about my life and the things I remember. It’s interesting the type of covering up your brain does with traumatic experiences. It amazes me that your brain has the ability to cover the tracks and hide things in the deepest recesses of your mind so that you don’t relive the experience. And then how the subconscious mind is able to uses these things as fuel to feed the emotional eater.

It’s very frustrating for me to know that there are things I cannot change and yet I allow myself to be extremely upset and hurt by these things. I suppose this really is all emerging because I talked to my mother the other day. Every so often I find the need to reach out and talk to her. I still believe there can be a change because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but then I realize that there is no re-do for my childhood.

And I understand we cannot have the relationship I would like and we will never be able to have that relationship that I see so many of my friends and family have with their mothers. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it frustrates me that I still cannot find a way to let go this anger and incredible amounts of pain that I have because I feel like I’m on an island if misfit toys. It’s like every day I mourn the loss of a mother I will never have. And it frustrates me so much that I have the understanding, but not the capability to find the power to let it go. I tell myself to just let it go and stop carrying around this baggage. I try to tell myself that I'm okay and it will be okay.

And that’s the point of the change in my life too, to finally lose the baggage I’ve carried from house to house, town to town and state to state.

And with these emotional peels it has been an incredibly hard week for me.

I am seriously considering auditioning for the biggest loser’s next season. I’d love to have my life changed the way the people on there are, but I’m also not a fan of the clothes they make you wear on National Television. It’s a toss.

So this is my confession:

The last two days have not been my best caloric intake days. I didn’t exercise either – I’ve been tired physically and emotionally. I know that I can’t let these two days end the hard work I’ve been putting in, if only for a week or so, I’ve got to push forward.

It’s easy to derail from this change, but it’s important to get back on track and keep moving because eventually this will become a habit and no longer a chore.

Eventually I hope I can open up and find myself more than 1/4th of the way through my journey to an emotionally and physically healthy person.

How To Save a Life

Well I’m about 3/4ths of my way through my first week of actually having somewhere to be at specific times. Before, I could work out whenever the mood struck me – but now that I actually have to be somewhere. I’ve noticed a little bit of a shift in how my body has been working lately, which is mainly in the sleep area. I am somehow falling away from my nocturnal instincts and find myself in bed on the early side. Aside from the fact that it’s the first week of the semester and a new job so my brain is overloaded, I was actually sleeping earlier before school started. And For the most part, that means about 10:30 PM each night. Part of me thinks that this is because of the added activity I’ve been doing, the other part of me says it’s because I somehow keep waking up before the roosters. It’s probably a combination of both.

So with the start of a busy schedule, I had to set a plan because if I did this whimsically, I’d end up exercising one day a week or not at all. Being fit takes a lot of planning and concentration. It also takes a lot of time.

I have to say it’s really weird to have time to sit around and stare at the floor for a couple minutes as in the past, I’ve usually timed my sleep to out the door for work schedule down to a T. I knew that it took me exactly 20 minutes to go from sleep to showered and dressed. (Alright, I was always running a few minutes late)

But anyway, I’ve decided that four days a week would suffice and due to my cut back on my caloric intake, I really can get away with exercising only 20 minutes each day. It would be better if I kicked it up to 30 minutes, and eventually I will get there, but for this month, I’ll stick with 20 during the week and 25 minutes on Saturday.

So I’ve picked Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday’s as the days I am “physically active” and the other days I just make sure to not sit for too long. Did you know writing was a form of physical activity?! Just think if I really got serious and wrote as much as I’d like… I might be physically fit….Not likely. Also, I think once the winter clears and the lakes warm up, I’ll use the alternate days as days for swimming. I’m looking forward to the summer and getting out side for some of this Now-no-longer-as-lazy-Jennie.

What also has been helping is that I have an app, it’s called LoseIt! And it helps me track my exercise and calorie count to which I find myself eating 1/3rd less calories that I am allotted, and it’s really showing on the scale. It also is a place where I’ve found a lot of cheerleaders that are helping me along this journey, I might have to take back my thoughts about support groups, because I am really digging the support I have been getting from other people on the app as well as my family. It’s very encouraging.

I’m just very impressed with myself this week, and I hope that it’s something that I maintain, but the fact that I’m seeing results on the scale really helps push me forward. But on the other hand, I’m trying very hard not to become extremely neurotic about things. I want to be able to blend my life and fitness without being the person that’s out to eat with friends and only eats lettuce and water. Health smart, but sometimes, you really just want that Culver’s Butterburger!

My struggle this week is a couple of days I find myself hungry but afraid to actually eat things. It’s not like I particularly want to eat chips and bad things all the time, but I feel like I’m not getting enough to fill myself, or I am, but because I’m more active, my body is burning off these smaller portions and going “Now what?!”

So, aside from water, what else can I eat/do to make the fuller feeling last longer?

We Are Young

Time Spent: 20 Minutes
Activity: Biking
Distance: 4 Miles
Next Goal: 25 Minutes, 5 Miles
Long Term: Maintain 45 minute work out -
Distance Goal: 10 miles in 30 minutes
Next Goal Date: January 10th

I just did about a 21 minute bike ride and I think I'm starting to get where people get that "energy" from. I was exhausted, but I felt like I could be doing more. So much, I think I'll go back and do more.

I jointed LoseIt.com - I have the app on my phone as well it's helping me keep track of exercise and food I consume. This should make me more aware of what I eat.

On a side note, I have amazing family and friends who have been so supportive. I appreciate all the comments and encouragement, it's definitely a hard and daunting task and I want so much to be able to hug all of you. Thank you.

Lion Man

You know that feeling of defeat when you feel like all throwing your hands up and running away forever? I wish that were the feeling I had right now, however, that’s not what I had today when I stepped on that scale at the doctor’s office.

It was actually one of the most mortifying moments of my life and I now get why lying about your weight and age is considered the norm for any female, because I apparently spent the past 15+ years lying to MYSELF about my weight. I had to look down to make sure there was nothing else on the scale, clearly that number could not be all me. It is.

And then I quickly stepped off and scurried away to the waiting room searching for anything to make that number, now etched in my mind go away. I can’t even bring myself to say it out loud, not because I’m a girl being insecure, but rather because I’m embarrassed with myself.

It’s definitely a tough piece to swallow for me.

It’s a scary thought when you realize you’ve let yourself do this, when you haven’t taken the time to figure out how to stop the behaviors that are enabling you to continue down this path. It’s scary to think you wouldn’t let anyone help you.
I realized today, in order to get down to my goal weight, losing a normal amount of fat each week, it will take me 2.5 years. In my mind, this is like the Biggest Loser, where each week you’ll see a difference and after 13 or some odd weeks, I’ll be missing half a person. The reality is that it is not going to happen. These people have trainers and medical staff. Their life is sole working out. It’s a 9-5 job.

My reality is not the same. My reality is 40 hours of school and school work, and 20 hours of regular work. Somewhere in there, I need to find time to shed the fat.
2.5 years to become someone still considered fat.

Wow.

2.5 years of my life to take off what fifteen plus hard years has done to me.
It’s hard to find the humor in all of this, it also hard to find the heart in me too.

The feeling I felt in the doctor’s office would probably be best described as empowering. It’s definitely empowering me to push forward, I just need to find the strength, and not sure if I stored much of that or bottled any of that up.

Stop and Stare

I think my biggest problem won’t be working out, but rather finding the time to make sure meals are prepared and not last minute thoughts. Dinners arguably are simpler if I’m at home, but next semester it looks like I’ll be out of the house more than I am in it. So the problem I face is how I am going to plan it out so that I have meals with me, or snacks, healthy snacks.

I think my bottom line will be drinking more water, remembering to drink as much as possible to maintain a full feeling throughout the day. I find when I work in an office at a computer I am more compelled to boredom eat, which is that I mindlessly shovel things into my mouth. Sunflower seeds seem to work well with mindless eating because aside from the massive amounts of sodium, they’re somewhat harmless and I would consider them an activity that keeps me from shoveling more food in my mouth. Does anyone have any ideas of quick on-the-go type foods that I can prepare maybe even a week in advance? I need change, I can't be a salad everyday person, I need more than that, variety. Studies have shown your body needs the difference to to avoid boredom of the brain/stomach.

Now here is also where I have an issue with food. I enjoy food, not just to comfort me, but the tastes, creating it and presenting a meal. I post pictures on Facebook about my random Martha Stewart moments. So I have a hard time accepting that I can’t just eat food like my skinny friends who have high metabolisms (yes that means you Brandalyn) do. And I think this is something I have the biggest time wrapping my head around.

One of my favorite things to do when I go out on adventures (as I call them) is eating. I enjoy eating food from an area or a place I’ve never been. To me that’s what the experience is all about. Well, that and getting there. When I was in Philly, I had to have an original Philadelphia Cheese steak, the first time I had one in Philly, and it was terrible. But then Trish, Daniel’s step-mom introduced me to what real Philly cheese steaks should taste like. I was hooked. Or when I’m at the Jersey Shore – There are so many different things to taste and sample (Zeppoles... mmm fried dough or fried Oreos…mmm fried.) I suppose being in Michigan, I can avoid Zeppoles, fried oreos and cheese-steaks to some extent, but that's not to say that if I travel some where else, there wont be something I want to eat (Garret's Popcorn.)

I know it’s all about portion control and knowing that whatever a restaurant serves you is much more than you should be eating.

It really is hard to train my brain to only allow myself portions. While my life was rocky, I didn’t have as many treats or good food that other kids had, so when I was finally able to go out on my own and purchase my own foods, I went a little crazy. Like, Oh-man-I-must-eat-all-the-chocolate-kisses. And “Hey look, there’s a taco bell, I shall have some.” It was like a total freak-fest for me and a reason for a lot of my weight gain in the last years of high school and after.

I’m really frustrated with all of this re-wiring that I have to do with my brain. When I see people post things on boards to other people who are fat that state things like “It’s easy, get up and walk around” I get incredibly irritated. Because I recognize that it’s not just a matter of walking to get the fat off. It’s so much more and everyone has their own demons to fight. Do I think being skinnier will make me happier? I really couldn’t say, I’ve never been skinny to understand that happiness, and the few people I know that are skinny are obsessive. I don’t want to be an obsessive person.

I want to be able to enjoy life without the obsessiveness.

I like the suggestion that Jess gave me when she told me to select a day of “free-for-all”, where I allow myself to eat whatever I want. Everyone’s entitled to food, perhaps I should only allow this if I do what I have planned to do, rather than just allow it. Make it a reward system from the week before. If I complete the goals I have for the week prior, I allow myself a freebie day where I can nom on some pizza and other random indulging foods (Carmel Macchiato from Starbucks…)

Poker Face

Well, It was New Years Eve… I woke up around 2:30 AM and could not fall back to sleep until around 9:00 AM. My legs were still hurting, but mostly my stomach was irritated. So needless to say, I slept most of the day, and by most of the day I mean I woke up around 3PM.

We were invited to a friends house where I gorged myself on Turkish food. I ate far too much and kind of used today as my last free for all day… since I also single handedly devoured a bottle of Champagne. Happy New Year?

I don’t even want to think about the calorie count on that. Shame on me. But then, we all have off days I suppose…some of us more than others. Back to the bike tomorrow. Slowly but surely working up to the 30 minute marker.

And when school opens, I'm going to go down to the gym and see what kind of trouble I can get into there.

Hope everyone has a great year filled with less challenges than last year.