Out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now

I haven’t written in a bit because I felt like I was failing in my attempts to drop weight. I lost some, gained it all back, lost some, gained some back. I felt like I was doing things wrong. I think my body is finally catching up with what I’m trying to do because I’ve be steadily dropping a bit of weight each day as the week progresses. I know I’m not supposed to weigh myself daily but to be honest; I’ve become fixated on it. I need to know so I can make adjustments or figure out what exactly I am doing wrong.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest things I’ve committed to doing in a long time. And most of the time I just want to eat a massive cheeseburger because I can, knowing how deliciously bad for me it is. That’s where I seem to be focusing on… the things I can’t have or shouldn’t have daily rather than the things I can.

Each week I seemed to focus on a target. The first week I was trying to get the hang of what I normally eat and how and when. The second week was decreasing the bad, and adding more fruits and veggies and the third week was about trying to regulate the fiber intake I had. And this last week has been really about making responsible choices. Yes, I would like Jimmy John’s every day. Yes, I do want Culvers, and a milk shake too while we’re at it. But I also realize I don’t feel so hot after I eat these things (mostly just the culvers!) That’s something I always ignored, the signs my own body was telling me.

I guess that’s really the point. We need to listen to what our bodies are telling us when we wolf down that cheeseburger and onion rings. Sure our taste buds are rejoicing, but then the fall afterwards, is it really worth it? Sometimes. Like when I’m PMSing and all I want is salt, melted cheese and chocolate (not together… well…. Some of them together.) I guess I’m just feeling more positive right now because I’m down more weight.

I don’t want this to be another failed experiment in my life. And I know I have a bunch of people backing me, so that feels good. I think the other major difference is that I am confident in who I am more so than I have been in a long while. I stand a little taller, smile a lot more and I just, I’ve really attempted to stop caring what people think about me. I know who I am; I think I am beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, creative, daring, fat, curious, extroverted, and intuitive and a decent human being. And what I look like is only a small fraction of what I am capable of.

I feel like I literally just stood in the mirror ranting “Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.”

But honestly, 2 months ago you couldn’t convince me to post a full body picture of myself, even a slightly full bodied picture of myself on my Facebook account, who cares if 99% of the people on that site knew me in person or were my family. I wouldn’t do it. I felt shame. I feel gross. I don’t know if its weight loss or if people are noticing that I’m more confident. I like to think it’s the confidence, because that’s really something I needed. I’ve always has some confidence, but I think I’ve found the other I was shamed into thinking was bad.

I’m down 8lbs as of today since starting. It feels like nothing, I do not even notice a difference and it has been such a roller coaster. However, I can say that I am down. And I don’t even weigh in until Wednesday so I hope to be down a bit more by then. It’s been a month since I’ve started this program and if I can lose 8+ pounds a month, it will all be worth it. Because at the end of the year I will be 100lbs lighter than I am now and that’s something. It’s not where I want to be. It’s not my goal, but it is definitely something.