It Will Rain

Being able to learn how to have a different relationship with food has taken me looking into myself and finding out all of the psychological things that cause me to tick to find my triggers and emotional upsets. Doing this alone has been an incredible journey for me that I’d say I haven’t even made it 1/4th of the way through.

I keep another blog where I was able to write all sorts of Dear Diary entries where I for the most part have been expressing my inner thoughts and feelings. I did this as a therapeutic way for me to vent my frustrations rather than harbor them inside where they eventually turn into miss placed rage. I’ve come a long way from the first entry to the last and have grown not only as a person emotionally but as a writer as well. The Writing on The Wall blog has enabled me to start this new journey because I’ve peeled back layers of anger and now want to shed the pounds that I’ve been carrying around.

I’m writing about emotions today because it seems to be a topic for the day, having my own emotional cave when I felt I was in a confrontational situation and talking things out with my aunt about my life and the things I remember. It’s interesting the type of covering up your brain does with traumatic experiences. It amazes me that your brain has the ability to cover the tracks and hide things in the deepest recesses of your mind so that you don’t relive the experience. And then how the subconscious mind is able to uses these things as fuel to feed the emotional eater.

It’s very frustrating for me to know that there are things I cannot change and yet I allow myself to be extremely upset and hurt by these things. I suppose this really is all emerging because I talked to my mother the other day. Every so often I find the need to reach out and talk to her. I still believe there can be a change because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but then I realize that there is no re-do for my childhood.

And I understand we cannot have the relationship I would like and we will never be able to have that relationship that I see so many of my friends and family have with their mothers. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. And it frustrates me that I still cannot find a way to let go this anger and incredible amounts of pain that I have because I feel like I’m on an island if misfit toys. It’s like every day I mourn the loss of a mother I will never have. And it frustrates me so much that I have the understanding, but not the capability to find the power to let it go. I tell myself to just let it go and stop carrying around this baggage. I try to tell myself that I'm okay and it will be okay.

And that’s the point of the change in my life too, to finally lose the baggage I’ve carried from house to house, town to town and state to state.

And with these emotional peels it has been an incredibly hard week for me.

I am seriously considering auditioning for the biggest loser’s next season. I’d love to have my life changed the way the people on there are, but I’m also not a fan of the clothes they make you wear on National Television. It’s a toss.

So this is my confession:

The last two days have not been my best caloric intake days. I didn’t exercise either – I’ve been tired physically and emotionally. I know that I can’t let these two days end the hard work I’ve been putting in, if only for a week or so, I’ve got to push forward.

It’s easy to derail from this change, but it’s important to get back on track and keep moving because eventually this will become a habit and no longer a chore.

Eventually I hope I can open up and find myself more than 1/4th of the way through my journey to an emotionally and physically healthy person.