It was actually one of the most mortifying moments of my life and I now get why lying about your weight and age is considered the norm for any female, because I apparently spent the past 15+ years lying to MYSELF about my weight. I had to look down to make sure there was nothing else on the scale, clearly that number could not be all me. It is.
And then I quickly stepped off and scurried away to the waiting room searching for anything to make that number, now etched in my mind go away. I can’t even bring myself to say it out loud, not because I’m a girl being insecure, but rather because I’m embarrassed with myself.
It’s definitely a tough piece to swallow for me.
It’s a scary thought when you realize you’ve let yourself do this, when you haven’t taken the time to figure out how to stop the behaviors that are enabling you to continue down this path. It’s scary to think you wouldn’t let anyone help you.
I realized today, in order to get down to my goal weight, losing a normal amount of fat each week, it will take me 2.5 years. In my mind, this is like the Biggest Loser, where each week you’ll see a difference and after 13 or some odd weeks, I’ll be missing half a person. The reality is that it is not going to happen. These people have trainers and medical staff. Their life is sole working out. It’s a 9-5 job.
My reality is not the same. My reality is 40 hours of school and school work, and 20 hours of regular work. Somewhere in there, I need to find time to shed the fat.
2.5 years to become someone still considered fat.
Wow.
2.5 years of my life to take off what fifteen plus hard years has done to me.
It’s hard to find the humor in all of this, it also hard to find the heart in me too.
The feeling I felt in the doctor’s office would probably be best described as empowering. It’s definitely empowering me to push forward, I just need to find the strength, and not sure if I stored much of that or bottled any of that up.
As for snacks, try to keep them less than 150 calories. Those 100 calorie packs are great for portion control and although they may not be the healthiest choice in foods they will help with the rewiring of portion control. Those little clementines are a great snack this time of year. At 35 cals a pop you can have a few! Nuts are great especially pistachios and almonds. Pistachios take work to eat and are the lowest calorie nut while almonds are filling and great for you. Half a peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat (natures own bread is only 50 cals a slice) is filling, yummy, and easy to pack and keep with you. Dried fruits also yummy but you have to check out the sugar contents on those. If you have a trader joes, they have great dried fruit. And be careful with salads try can be deceiving! Some salads pack as many calories as a cheese burger and fill you up half as much!
ReplyDeleteBuy yourself a kitchen scale, and use it! Most people really have no idea what a single serving looks like. Measure your meals in single servings and stick to that, whether it means truly measuring out a teaspoon, a cup or an ounce of the food. Eat small snacks in between your meals, and you will get used to your new diet without feeling like you need to binge. You WILL feel more hungry the first few weeks/months, because you have been over shooting your portions and your body needs to relearn proper portion to feel full. If you are starving, find a small healthy extra snack, and eat it withour guilt, accompanied by a couple of full glasses of water so that you can get through until your next scheduled meal/snack. You can do this!!!!
ReplyDeleteI understand EXACTLY how you feel. I usually have to lighten up the mood around the scale and sout off some lame jokes to the CNA. It's always awkward. I know that number is bad. She knows that number is bad. Am I bad? NO. And neither are you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, with that timeline. WHO CARES! You aren't going anywhere. Besides, you get to enjoy the changes on the way down. It's like each month there is something new to discover about yourself. Dropping the weight fast doesn't give you anytime to appreciate it. Also, you will be getting smaller. Not fatter. So try to think of it as a gift!
I remember (one of the many times I dieted) looking at myself in the mirror and realizing my roll got smaller, I can fit in pants that I never had before, my double chin shrunk!
The initial period SUCKS! Cause you won't see progress for awhile. But one day, when you're in class or in a store or hanging out with family, you will SEE the difference. WAIT FOR IT! It's gonna be awesome!!
BTW, Thank You for sharing your story! It gives me so much hope!