Starting Now...

Day 1:
3:27 AM
December 30, 2011

Here are the facts:

I'm a 26-year-old girl who is majorly obese, and I hate that word, because I feel like it’s like calling a girl a cunt, it’s a bit twisted.

In any event, I've been fat for most of my life and all through my teenage years. And currently, I’m the fattest person in my family, considerably fatter.

Being fat never seemed to bother me much but psychologically it was my a cushion against the abrupt life that I lived in. My mother had alcohol drug and psychological issues and because of this there was a constant change in my daily life, I lacked structure. Food and writing seemed to always be a constant in my life, a sort of teddy bear if you will. When words couldn’t comfort me, a piece or a bar of chocolate might.

I will say this, something I never fell short on was a sort of confidence in me. I’ve always made it a goal to never let my weight define me, it was just part of who I was, but it wasn’t what I was. It wasn’t the person I was and I was confident in the type of person I was towards people. Funny, fun, sarcastic, witty and always one to lend a hand.

Because of this, I always felt like I had to start hating myself if I was ever going to make changes in my weight, because other people always wanted me to do it. And they would be sure to tell me about it or make the suggestion.

Mostly, I never wanted to be bullied into losing weight by anyone, including the media and views pressed by society. My grandmother was a major player in this game, and soon also my sister who appeared to take her insecurities out on me. As a stubborn person, I don’t respond well to demands or personal attacks. “Don’t you want to be thin?” and “How can you stand yourself the way you look?” never really worked for me. My answer was no.

Simple: I didn’t see myself the way others saw me. When I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t a plus sized person. I was just a person.

Like any teenage girl, I had insecurities, mostly because the two people I hung out with the most were so beautiful that I was always the “hey, see if your friend will go out with me” girl. They never treated me any differently and they both gave me confidence in being me. But, I wanted to be the girl to date. So I found refuge in the online world because online people could get to know me without seeing my exterior.

Here you’re thinking, "but wait? I thought you were confident?" I was, but as I said, I had the same insecurities as everyone else. I still wanted to feel loved and my biggest problem seemed to be getting people to see me the way I saw myself.

And again, nothing has ever hurt me enough to really push me into making a change because I frankly didn’t fear death so health was a non issue. I wasn't one of those people who had their doctor give them a wake up call. "Do you want to be dead by the time you're 35?" It didn't bother me then, and it doesn't bother me now. And also, if someone couldn’t like me at 300lbs, then I wouldn’t want to be around them when I was smaller. Because to me, truly it's what is inside that matters most that and a great smile.

So why change now? What’s the difference? Why start now?

I've lost my confidence. I find myself hiding in classrooms attempting to blend in, walking behind. Not raising my hand as to not draw attention. Refusing to participate in discussions. Unwilling to leave the house or car.

The cause? Children.

Children pointing out how big I was. Children hurt me more than any boy in school or family member. Children I didn't even KNOW at that. I don't want to be pointed and stared at. Children usually aren't bullies. Children are just blunt. They point out things they don't understand. And apparently, I was something they couldn't understand. How did it come to this? How come "Fatty Fatty Two-by-four, can't fit through the kitchen door" never phased me in elementary school. And "I didn't know they made prom dresses for cows" didn't crush me enough in High school? No, unknown children and their (mostly) innocent/albeit misguided comments was the push that made the dominoes fall.

It has caused me to collapse inside of myself. I started to become bitter and no longer wanted to be in public. I still functioned day to day, but I started doing less and not participating in things I enjoyed. This isn't the person I was as a teenager, and it sure as hell isn't the person I want to be now or ever.

Sadly, what I lack is motivation to make changes in my life. To forget the cynical and jaded side and just do it because I can, to challenge myself. Not because I want to be skinnier, not because I want to be healthy. But because losing weight is something I can attempt to control. It’s something I can actively change, in a world where my whole life seems to be so far out of my hands. This, I can change, and if I can't, at least I gave it a valid attempt.

I’ve also been thinking about this a bit, since my family decided we were going to do a Biggest Loser of sorts, and all pitch in money. Whoever wins, takes the prize. I’m not usually competitive when it comes to weight loss games, because I hate the idea of meetings, and support groups. I hate challenges of the sorts that friends have suggested. I don’t want to be your buddy…I do however, want more money.

Sorry, your support group isn't going to pay for my education. And it certainly wont buy me books! But money on the other hand, money can buy me that or a plane ticket back to Arizona to visit family and friends(And all of their kids they've been having in my absence!)

So, now that I’ve quit my job in hell, I have 2 weeks to really take the time to get going before school and my work study start. I spent a week being lazy and tonight, I’ve started it.

I’m trying to remember to celebrate the little victories.

Tonight’s little victory was doing 2 miles on a bike in 11 minutes. It may seem like nothing, but it’s a whole lot more than I usually do. You have to start somewhere.

Starting Stats:
Shirt Size: 5x
Pant Size: 38
End Goal: 26/28 Pant size, 2x shirt size (maybe even smaller!)

Time Spent: 11 Minutes
Activity: Biking
Distance: 2 Miles
Next Goal: 15 Minutes, 3 Miles
Long Term: Maintain 30 minute work out - No Distance goal yet.
Goal Date: January 10th